Life isn’t fair!

As a busy single working mum with a part time job at a charity, my own counselling business and 2 children under 10; sitting and reading a book feels like a luxury! I do however listen to podcasts and audible, which leads me nicely into why I’ve written this blog.

I am currently listening to the new book ‘The Let Them Theory’ by Mel Robbins. Two chapters have really hit a chord with me and so I wanted to share my own thoughts around what Mel says in the hope that it might resonate with you. 

Being a mid-40’s/single/working mum has given me many opportunities to compare my life to that of others. In the past (and still now occasionally) it was easy to compare and at times life just didn’t feel fair. And the truth is, at times it wasn’t. I felt I sacrificed my 20’s building a career, home and a relationship (all of which I ended up leaving at 32 years old anyway!) I then felt I sacrificed my social life throughout my 30’s as I embarked on 7 years at university and lots of missed nights out doing case studies and extra placements whilst still juggling work. As I hurtled towards 40 at brake neck speed, I had my children. I then tried to navigate becoming a single mum with babies and let’s be honest – no one knows more about sacrifices than mums do! 

Now as I approach 46, I have enough self-awareness and counselling skills to catch myself slipping into the comparison trap and reigning myself back in, so it doesn’t knock my mental health. Opportunities to beat yourself up about how rubbish you think your life is compared to others are all around you. It’s up to you if you choose to go down that path. Here are some examples of what mine would be if I let them – let me know if any of these hit home for you. 

• I socialise with other women whose children are older than mine and they have so much more time and freedom than me. I still end up having to warm my coffee (or even worse, drink it cold) every morning. When will this stop?!
• Most parents I know have a partner and are not constantly worried about finances or feel the need to second guess themselves if they buy a new top, because the kids need yet another pair of boxers, and they come first.
• Women who are further on in their career or business than me and can spend time on developing themselves on a weekend or when the kids are in bed. I am so exhausted by 9pm at night that all I can do is sit on the sofa and eat yoghurt and a Skinny Whip bar (because obviously I still need to be mindful that I am peri-menopausal and gaining weight is so much easier than losing it!) – leading on seamlessly to….
• Women who have the time, motivation, energy and appropriate gym clothes to exercise. Will I ever be that dedicated to fitness?

 This blog isn’t intended to get you thinking negatively about your life, quite the opposite! My intention is that you reflect on and take ownership of the areas where you feel you don’t measure up in. Let’s take those parts of life where you feel less than and take positive action to change it. So, let’s dive into why comparison is known as the thief of joy and what Mel suggests can help you.

You can’t control other people’s lives, success or their wins. You can’t control the cards that someone else was dealt, but you can use their cards to your advantage.

How does sitting and wishing that you were slimmer, healthier, a better parent, richer, smarter, in a relationship, help you? How does repeating to yourself “I wish I….” change anything? It doesn’t. You will know people who are just lucky. The ones where everything seems to go right for them, and they always land on their feet. I know these people too and it’s so annoying and it is unfair! But we can’t change that. Some people are born naturally good looking, or with a certain body type, or a high IQ, or are extremely talented (often in more than one area). These people can’t change these things about themselves, they were gifted with them, with no effort required. If they can’t change these things, there is no way that you can either. Let’s stop wasting our precious time and energy trying and look at what we can do instead. 

One sure fire way for you to start feeling bad about yourself is watching all those highlights on people’s Instagram/socials. Let’s be honest, your average daily life is not going to look better than a polished and well thought out and planned social media post. Comparison is human nature but its how you compare that is holding you back.

Mel asks the question “Are you using comparison as torture or teacher?” Which type of comparison are you engaging in? If you are using it to torture yourself you will most likely feel depressed, angry, bitter and hopeless. If you spend all your time looking at someone else, you are taking the focus off yourself and sabotaging your own growth. Have you heard of downward comparison? Me, neither! It’s where we tend to compare ourselves to people, we see as above and better than us rather than the people who have less then us. It’s not helpful.

Task – Grab yourself a pen and a bit of paper (I would have a latte too). Think about all your friends, family, colleagues, and compare all the things you and your life HAS compared to theirs. I’m sure there are parts of your life that someone else envies. The use of gratitude for what you already have would be great to use here. 

How else can you know if you are using comparison as torture or teacher? If you notice yourself feeling jealous then take this emotion as the warning sign it’s intended to be. This is a good thing! Your future self is letting you know what she wants. Pay attention to her!   Task – think about how procrastination and perfectionism might be holding you back. If you knew you couldn’t fail at the thing/situation/relationship you want, would you do it then?

Using comparison as a teacher is beneficial. This is where you seek out parts of other peoples lives that if you work hard and put the effort in, you too can achieve. Remember – unless you are comparing a person’s quality that they can’t change, everything else they have they have worked, weeks, months and even years to achieve. There are lots of ways you can improve your life and there will always be someone who has achieved what you want. See these people as your teachers, not enemies to be jealous over. Task – Fill your Instagram/social media accounts with people who inspire and motivate you. There are lots of free webinar’s, masterclasses and information available to you if you look in the right places. 

So, remember, life can be unfair, however let people live their life and let you focus on yours and claim the power back that is inside you. This blog was based on chapters 9 & 10 of Mel’s new book. There are lots of other positives in the book and it has been a great reminder of where I am holding myself back and what I still need to work on 😊 – I hope it helps you too x